Life is funny. Sometimes, even in the midst of turmoil and trials, I find days where I can sit back and just allow myself to be peaceful. I find myself praying more now than ever and in allowing myself to be in the moment….in allowing my whole being to feel every word that speaks my prayer, I feel myself smiling before I even get to “Amen.” I feel warmth and I feel tingles that give me goosebumps and I feel uplifted and I KNOW that God is with me, telling me that he hears me and that everything will be ok. He’s talking to me and He’s doing a work in me and I can’t wait to tell this testimony.
I want to be able to cry. I’m a female, you would think that crying would come easily to me as we are wired to be more emotional, more in-tune with our sensitive, more vulnerable side. But as the years have gone by and the more experience I gain in having to be strong, it’s becoming harder and harder just to shed a single tear. I don’t want to be that female who takes pride in not being able to shed tears over situations and circumstances that cause us pain. Crying is healthy, crying is therapeutic, crying is…..ok. So why can’t I just be normal for once and cry when my feelings get hurt or when I get hurt? I want to be able to shout at the world that I’m tired….tired of fighting, tired of everything being so hard, tired of everything being a storm that I have to travel through. I want to….but I won’t. The road has already been a long and hard one, and I’ve made it so far. And I have to believe that that has to mean something. I read a devotional the other day that resonated deep within my soul. So much so that I recited it in my head the entire day and it put my entire life into a new perspective. It said, “We often think of faith as something that is confined exclusively to our head and our heart, but our faith shouldn’t just affect our thoughts and emotions; it should produce action. Faith changes us. Your faith in Jesus should shape your relationships, your approach to your job and your attitude toward your hobbies. Faith should be demonstrated in every aspect in your life.” And it was the very definition of an “A-Ha!!” moment for me. These last several months have been a true test of everything that I am and everything that I claim to represent. I have been lost in a place that I didn’t recognize nor did I have a clue how to get out of it. I’ve always considered myself to be a faithful servant. I have faith that all things happen for a reason and for a purpose. And I’ve truly believed that. However, I was neglecting myself by not demonstrating that faith actively and consistently in ALL areas of my life. I’ve allowed myself to get lost. I allowed myself to slip away. I have been graciously fed and clothed and satisfied and comfortable and blessed with so much excess that I allowed it to tear me away from the one Being that allowed all of that to be possible. And I realized, in that moment, the lesson that was being taught in the form of my struggles. Self-reflection and self-evaluation will force you to take a good, hard look at yourself and see all that lies within you, no filter, no rose-colored glasses, just you. The “you” that you are when no one is watching, because THAT person is who you truly are at your core. Unedited, unadulterated. And although you may think that you are active and consistent in all areas, a good, deep soul cleansing may very well reveal that there are more areas in your life that are lying dormant spiritually than you may have realized. And after reading that devotional, I just…..got it. And I cried, I mean really cried. For the first time in these last several months. When all I’ve been begging for was to cry, hoping that some pain would be released through my tears. And what I found at the end of my cry session was more than just a release of pain. I found gratitude and a renewed sense of self. And peace. And I promise you people, several hours later, God responded. It was like He said, “Finally!! You’re learning.”
I will always be the first to admit that I am a deeply flawed individual. I fight more battles than people will ever know and, because of that, I will continuously be under construction. But one thing I know for certain, is that I will always smile while I am going THROUGH my storm just as big as the smile that will appear on my face when I finally see my rainbow. Everything happens for a reason. Every experience is meant to be a lesson. And Lord, I’m still listening…. #ProgressIsProgress #StayTuned