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……..Evolution

I’m in transition…….

Change is upon me and it’s frightening to an enormous degree

I feel my growth

I can feel my potential

I feel my dreams and goals right at my fingertips

Right on the cusp of being realized

And I’m realizing, in the midst of this transition, that I can’t be who I “want” to be and who I “used” to be at the same time….

One has to go

The “known” has to be traded for the “unknown”

And I’m terrified….

I’m not comfortable wearing this smile that I don’t believe in

And before I am a daughter, before I am a mother, a sister, a friend, a niece, an aunt, a cousin, a girlfriend, fiance’, or wife, I am my own person

And I will not set fire to myself to keep anyone else warm….

I’m evolving…..

I can feel my soul struggling to pour itself onto the surface for the world to see

It’s scratching and clawing on the inside to be let out

And I’m anxious for that release……

But I know that I will lose people in the process

People who once said they love me, will love me no longer

And I’m trying to adjust now

I’m grieving prematurely and paving a road for this new woman to travel across

And I’m prepared for the onslaught…

But this transition keeps me fearful

This evolution is threatening to rebel against this enslavement

And I’m battling somewhere in the middle

Being pulled left and right trying to find my equal footing

And I’m almost there…

I can feel it

I’m reclaiming myself

I am my own person!

And I am so in love with this woman….

My heart aches when I think of what I’ve overcome

My soul trembles at the smile of triumph that says to the world, “I’m still here…

And God’s not through with me yet.”

I’ve made it to the place and time in my life that will set the tone for the rest of my days

And I’m ready…

Finally!

So I’m saying goodbye to the girl I’ve always known….

It’s time to meet the woman that will change my life……

-Nique

……Smile

By the way, I’m wearing the smile you gave me……

You know the one…

The one that holds all of our stories and all of our memories

The one equivalent to the melody of the strings on an acoustic guitar

The one that begs for you to play me like a piano to the beat of your heart

To work your magic and pierce my soul and give me all the words that I can’t seem to find

That smile……

It looks good on me……

It FEELS good on me…..

I wear it better than the clothes on my back and if it were a dress it would hug every curve that begs for your attention and accentuate every hidden attribute that only you have been able to find….

Yes….

THAT smile….

The moment I stopped chasing it was the moment it decided to rest gently upon my face

No longer aching to elude me as it has for many years

No longer in the mood to play hide and seek

But ready and willing to give me everything that it has to offer

And I bask in its glory as if it were the answer to eternal life here on earth and in heaven…..

You see the mess of gorgeous chaos that is me and yet …….

…. You can still see the beauty in my eyes

So I wear your smile and I dress myself in your love and I twirl and dance and laugh to the rhythm of the chills that dance across my skin at the mere thought of you

…And again, I bask in the glory

That something that was once as foreign as an ancient language

….Has become more familiar to me than own name

It’s the beauty of life and the true testament of my happiness

And in case you were wondering…

…..its the smile you gave me

-Nique

…………………….

There will be times in your life where you wake up on a random morning and think to yourself, “I’m different today.” The world looks different, the world feels different, and the decisions that you have made or did not make seem to be under a microscope and you have developed an entirely new perspective regarding them that leaves you with 0% tendency towards regret and 100% tendency towards being resolute. That one solitary moment where it dawns on you that you just changed your mind….and THAT just changed your life. Time is healing and life is one big interconnected series of unfortunately fortunate events to shape the wonderfully made person that you are. Flaws and all. And the more I get to know myself, the more I see myself straying further and further away from everything that I have always known. Or things/people I thought I knew, but never really did. And I hurt. I hurt deep down to my core because of things/people that are lost to me, whether physically or emotionally, and the frightening reality of having to face the “unknown” of what may become of my life or who else will decide to enter it, even if only for a little while. I believe and have faith that God gives his strongest soldiers the toughest battles. But in my unspoken thoughts and my secret prayers, I sometimes kinda wish he didn’t trust me as much as he does. Self-discovery is bittersweet. The simplicity of revealing myself and expressing to people that “I just want to know you”, seems to be like asking for the world on a silver platter. It’s like moving mountains. Just….to know you. Just to experience what life has taught you and what you have, in turn, taught yourself. Be it a friend, a relative, or a lover, it seems to be like asking for a bite of forbidden fruit. Being genuine is almost an extinct trait. Having an honest conversation seems so taboo that it’s second nature to throw in a joke to make people feel more “comfortable”. Real topics and discussions are labeled and numbered and there are invisible rules to the “dos and don’t’s” of what can actually be discussed and what can’t. I guess I missed the class where having a simple, real, adult conversation became so complicated, filled with rules, consequences, and stipulations? But if you’re lucky enough to even have one moment of feeling your growth overnight, literally, you’re one of favored few. The epiphanies of life are outrageously necessary. Explore what they mean, put in the work and effort to be the best you you can be, and find your inner peace. Pay attention to who you surround yourself with because they are a reflection of you. What are you inviting into your house? Your heart? Excuses and justifications are a way to make yourself comfortable and dignified in your mistakes and shortcomings. I reject them. I am a flawed individual. And I’m working on myself. Nothing more needs to be explained. Because what’s understood doesn’t have to be. But you will always SEE my growth before you ever hear me speak of it. You will always SEE my determination before you ever hear me talk about it. And you will always see my mistakes before you hear me point them out. I’m human, what can I say? However, my intentions will foreshadow what my actions will show you… my words are reserved for when you need reminding of those two facts. I may fall 10 times, but I only have to get up 11. That one extra piece of effort is what will make all the difference. I am a constantly evolving being. Continuously learning and experiencing and growing. Today is about self-discovery. Tomorrow I may be saying fuck the world. Progress is progress. Stay tuned….

-Nique

……5 A.M.

It’s  5 a.m. and I want to wake up next to you…..
I want to look over at your spot in our bed and be happy that THAT spot is warm once again…..
Warm with every handsome and manly and ripped and toned ounce of you that is comprised perfectly together, neatly bound to protect one of my most treasured and most valued possessions….
…..Your heart
I want to be lying next to you while you hide your face in my neck and wrap me in your arms in the sweetest embrace
And I want to giggle a little, because your breath tickles the hairs on my
skin
I want to stay in bed alone with you for hours in the quiet of the morning
while we pillow talk and make love and drift in and out of sleep and
repeat the cycle over and over again until our bodies remind us that we
need to eat to survive and that love can’t do it alone
But we have always been stubborn in that respect…..
Because I can’t help the way I love to see your muscles ripple and contract in your arms and in your back and I surely can’t help the way I fall apart when you squeeze and grip and love me so passionately….so desperately
And when I come down off of my high and the room becomes clear again you give me THAT look that makes my body tingle and my heart race and my skin sweat and I get caught up in your hypnotic spell and I respond to you with all the girlish excitement of a teenager in heat because one thought and one thought only is able to wade through the fog and cross my mind…
"…..he’s not through with me yet…."
I want to read while you watch television….
And I want to smile at you for stealing food off of my plate while we eat breakfast in bed……
I want to hear you complain about how you don’t want to go to work,
while I give you all the reasons you need when I place my lips to your
ear and whisper, softly and reverently, “Don’t go….. Stay here with me”…..
And I want to smile at myself as a secret thought in my head utters with tightly concealed finality “…..forever…….”
And I want to hope that one day that secret thought of forever with you doesn’t always have to be a secret and that there will be a time where “forever” is as familiar to us as our own name because there is no other option for either of us other than forever with each other….
And every option or inevitable conclusion and even every scenario of a butterfly effect ends with us….as one, eternally and even farther than that..
I want to remind the world, in case they have forgotten over time, that
when they see you.…to know that that is ALL me
From every hair on your head to the very tips of your boots and that
any attempt at you is an attempt at me and I don’t fight fair…..
And I want you to know that I am just as cocky and conceited when I present myself to my own enemies and I let them know that I have a soldier that has my back and my sides and my front and that they don’t know war until they have known it by you and that you are every bit of what your uniform represents 
It’s 5 a.m.……
And I just want to be simple with you
I just want to be alone with you
I just want to be…..
….with you….

-Nique

……Questions

I find passion in life and in living it and truth in everything you don’t say

But why am I always the one that has to be different?

Because I seek to understand and love you for who you are?

Because I seek a connection that goes far beyond attraction and sexual encounters?

Is what I want really so unattainable that I am doomed to live the rest of my days uninspired and devoid of any passion in love and life?

Why must mediocrity be accepted and forced upon me because that’s what the norm is?

Are you really that okay with someone loving the lie that you present other than the true person underneath?

If so, then we are already doomed before we even really start

How can you accept someone loving this falsely presented version of only the good parts of you?

And then complain and gripe that you can’t really see how any of your past lovers ever truly loved you for you?

They never stood a chance

You never showed them YOU….

And why is it that I have seemed to fall into the same category as the rest?

When all I have ever asked and wanted……was just to know you

-Nique

……..Life

When life happens, it happens. Ever get to a point where you question yourself about where your life is headed? About where this path that you are currently on will lead you or is leading you? How often do you make time to self-evaluate? I am currently in a state of change. This is my changing season and I am finding myself outgrowing certain things I used to do, certain people I used to hang out with, and certain places I used to go. Albeit a little uncomfortable to realize, I am liking what is happening to me. Discomfort is a sign of growth and I am all for growing! I am developing into me. I can feel myself fully taking a seat into my life and it feels damn good. The Lord answers prayers. Even the deeply rooted, never spoken, deepest desires types of prayers. He knows what’s best and my life is a living testimony. Do I have all of the answers? Nope. I am an ever changing entity in this man-made society filled with bumps and scratches and scars that some will never see. I have a history and a past and baggage that will deter some and attract others. And that’s ok. It’s apart of who I am and I truly have no regrets. I am constantly trying to equip myself with as much knowledge and experience as I can. Knowledge is power, afterall. Love and loss will make an appearance in my life more times than I can count, I’m sure. But I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s ok too. My twenty’s have been filled with true self-discovery and I’m liking where it’s continuing to take me. Every year I have a new reason to be thankful, every year I have a new reason to fall even more in love with myself, and every year I achieve my ultimate goal of being better than I was yesterday. I’m living, I’m loving, and I’m losing. And even the last one has a perfect place that will connect the final dots of my purpose in life. <3

-Nique 

……..Tu Me Manques

I’m in a place…..

A place where my mind is relaxed and my attitude is calm

And if I squint hard enough, I can imagine you here with me

Grounding me….

Caressing me….

While we do nothing and everything at the same time

Wasting hours and days and wondering where the time went

Listening to music and forgetting that we actually pay for cable that we never seem to watch

Because we still find the time to get lost in each other

And then something reminds me that your side of the bed is cold

Our room feels a little bit bigger

And a small voice whispers..….”tu me manques

Sometimes I wonder if the saying is true,

Are my dreams of you really a reflection of you thinking of me?

……if only

I look at your pictures and replay our videos and I think to myself

How lucky am I?

It feels like I’ve waited and waited for you to finally make your appearance in my life and now that you’re here and have finally arrived…

It scares me to think that I might be the one who isn’t good enough….

It’s more than sexual…..

It’s more than compatibility….

It’s purely a desire to be able to connect with someone

With no rhyme or reason as to why it feels so comfortable

So safe……

So secure……

It’s knowing a good thing when you see it,

Even if you don’t see it nearly enough

And then I hear that voice again….

………”tu me manques”

“I miss you” sounds weak even to my own ears

I think the French have it right….

They don’t really say “I miss you”

They don’t waste time with mediocre words to describe intense feelings

They say “Tu Me Manques”……

 And as I lay here looking at the my ceiling

Thinking of you as I always seem to do

I let those words wash over me as the meaning takes hold and soothes my soul for the time being

Truer words have never been spoken….

And as I drift away to a place where you are ever-present and we’re never apart

I hear one last whisper as I fall asleep….

Tu Me Manques…..”

“You are missing from me……..”

-Nique

 

……………Amused

 

Your definition of satisfaction amuses me….

If I introduced you to an artistic woman who painted you in the world around her and compared every beautiful sight to the beauty of you, you would secretly wish for a poet who could write sonnets and speak words of love and romance and sex to you at night as a part of foreplay….

Give you that poet?

And you would secretly fantasize about the familiarity of the artist and the beauty she brought into your life because of her depiction of the world and how she was able to see you all around it….

And if you had both?

You would have daydreams of courting a singer who would drive your worries and your stress away with the melody of her voice and the feelings she would invoke in your soul with her words of song…

Now this is where it gets amusing…

In a dry sort of way…

Because when the artist starts to paint the world gray because she’s started to notice that you daydream when she shows you her “life” and she, enthusiastically and conveniently, leaves you out of the painted world that used to consist of nothing but you…… You say that she doesn’t make you happy anymore

And when the poets’ work becomes cold and distant and bitter because you no longer pay attention when she speaks….You say that she isn’t what you’re looking for…

And when the singer no longer has the inspiration to sing and her voice loses the soul and melody of her rhythms because you’ve started to turn on the radio instead of asking for her voice…..You say that you need more than she can give…

And what do you do?

You find the photographer who can capture a million emotions with a single “click” and who can see your soul through the lens of her camera

Instead of putting color back into the artist, inspiration in the words of the poet, and creating beats for the singer to sing to

You’re once again, easily enamored..

With a new feeling

The freshness of this unknown

The challenge of capturing another keepsake

You’re in love with the newness of love

And you’ve got it down to an “art”

And just as the artist collects art and moves on to new pieces and canvases’ when she gets uninspired

Just as the poet finds new words to express herself when old ones have seemed to lose meaning

Just as the singer finds new songs because the old ones no longer leave goosebumps on her skin

You find something new….

And we become that old painting in your attic, that old poem in your worn notebook, and that song that’s left on a cassette when everyone else has moved on to CD’s

So don’t cry me a river when the artist finds new inspiration and moves on to create an art gallery of the paintings she painted of you…

Don’t sell me a sob story when the poet writes books upon books of the poetry that is filled with your old love as she reminisces with a light heart and tells stories of the new love she’s found

And when the singer makes millions off of her sad love stories that were raw and deep and emotional, don’t feel regret…

You were so busy chasing the unattainable, that you were blind to what you already had

And the photographer?

She never even gave you the chance. She saw how broken your soul was through her camera….

She saw the “keepsakes” of your past and realized that your talent was

The art of women

But the fundamental rule of being an artist?

Is not about finding a million things and calling that inspiration,

It’s about finding that “one” thing and allowing it to inspire you in a million different ways….

-Nique

……Are you afraid of heartbreak?

You may look at that question and say, “Hell yeah, who wants their heart to be broken?” Of course no one does. But I’m not asking if you LIKE your heart being broken. I’m asking if you’re afraid of it. Are you passing up guys/girls because you suspect that the only inevitable conclusion with this person is heartbreak? Are you ending relationships too quick because you think there is no way things will ever get better and a quick escape is the best escape? Are you sticking to your significant other like white on rice because you feel like as soon as you let that person out of your sight, they will surprisingly become the clumsiest person in the world and then miraculously trip and fall “into” the first female they set eyes on, or the first man that notices your girl will lose their balance and “fall” into said girl (if ya know what I mean)? If one or all of these are true, then yes, you are afraid of heartbreak. A big ol’ scaredy cat. The next question I pose to you is, why? Have you not had your heart broken before? Did you die from it? Did you perish? Did it inconvenience your existence on this Earth in any way? No, it didn’t. You moved on, either by learning to enjoy yourself or moved on to someone else. But then you create posts on every social media website about how “I’m a survivor”, “You didn’t break me, I’m still standing”, “I’ve been through the storm, but I made it” and a host of other statuses that lets the world know that you’ve just been through a traumatic, personal ordeal and you made it through. And then your relationship status goes from “In a Relationship” to “Single”, the famous indicator that all of those vague and subliminal statuses were about the end of a relationship, and not the fact that you just suffered a REAL issue and made it, like you know, cancer or something you could actually die from. So again, I ask why are you so afraid of it. Unless God has destined you and your soul mate to meet as soon as you become old enough to date and you guys get married and live happily ever after, then understand that heartbreak is inevitable. And the MOST important thing to understand about the inevitability of heartbreak is that you should never experience it in the same way. You shouldn’t be as devastated as you were the last time someone broke your heart. You shouldn’t cry as long as you did when the last person walked out of your life. It’s meant to get easier. It’s meant to aid in preparing you for the world and the many types of people that you can encounter. It’s meant to humble you enough that when you do finally meet your “person”, you will be able to appreciate them all the more because you know what the world really has to offer. If you experience every heartbreak in the same dramatic, heart wrenching way, then you’re not learning what you need to learn from life and from these relationships and you will continue to be tested until you get it right. What’s the purpose of meeting your soul mate if you’re not full and happy and ready for them when they arrive? And then 10 years down the line, you have an epiphany of who your soul mate was meant to be and how your paths have crossed and probably won’t cross again in this lifetime. But by then it’s too late. And then you misuse the saying, “If it was meant to be, then it would’ve been.” Uhh, yeah…..no. While you were wasting time and energy grieving all of these relationships and not taking the time to self-evaluate and learn from them, God placed who you needed in your life exactly where they were supposed to be. But again you were too busy not learning, that you made your life partner pay for mistakes that others have made in the past and as quick as He placed that person in your life, he took them away. You weren’t ready to get over yourself and pay attention to your blessings and your true mate didn’t deserve to have only half of you. So stop being afraid. Live. Take chances on people. And if they break your heart, it won’t be the end of the world. Cry about it. And then get up and figure out what you contributed to the relationship that caused it to end. And how you plan to do it differently the next time. It’s just another stepping stone to make you stronger and to bring you closer to your destiny. Every person you meet can’t be the one. Let them teach you whatever it is they need to. Everyone has a purpose in our lives and everyone we meet won’t be “lifetime” people. Stop being so scared of life and love. They won’t hurt you. They’re not the enemy. It’s the people that we choose to give that “love and life” to that hurt us. And that’s our own fault for allowing that to happen. Place the blame where it should be. Give your all and love with your whole heart, just remember to keep some for yourself. When it’s meant for you to become “one” and share your life with somebody, that’s the time to give all of yourself to another. And as they say, “Stop making permanent decisions, with temporary people”.

-Nique

……Rambling

Writing, for me, provides a tangible aspect of a feeling….. Of an emotion that is felt at a specific time in life…..
Feelings are as fleeting as the wind. They come and go just as time does, and sometimes it’s hard to duplicate a feeling or what may have been felt in a particular moment, at a particular space in time, at a specific moment in your life. I wrote down an experience of a particular morning I had, on a random day while visiting New York City. And I wrote down my feelings on that morning here and titled it “……Carpe Diem”. At times of tribulation and when I am going through my trials of life, I try to think long and hard to happier times and better days to get me through. I’m not always successful. But these words that I have written down take me to that time in space that I am yearning to get back to. Feelings of happiness and contentment that felt free on that random morning, that I now know always comes at a price. That always comes at an appreciation that can only be appreciated and paid for by going through obstacles. It’s such a catch 22. But life is funny that way….
Being inspired to write down those feelings and, at times like these, being able to read it and be taken back to that morning is beyond words, beyond sentiments and further engrosses my passion for words and what they have the power to invoke……I fall further and further in love with the written form of expression everyday…..

Thank You……

……18

                                         I feel like I’m 18 again…..

Full of life and love and an urge to embrace this world

I can spend a ten minute drive from one destination to the next in complete silence, and find a million wonders about the simplicity of my environment and the beauty of God’s creation

Not because my mind wanders when everything is silent…

But because I need a reminder that even in the harshness of this life, beauty is always around us….if only we choose to take the time to pay attention…..

I can look at my lover and identify, describe, and explain every emotion that plays across his face…..my attention is like a childs’

Everything he says captivates me and everything he does intrigues me

Not because he is my everything

But because my attention is his at the time that he seeks it…..

It is not because I can’t live without him….

It’s because I CAN live without him

That I can truly embrace my love for him and accept it for what it is

That I can let myself fall into these emotions without looking back….

Realizing that I can love like I’m 18 and navigate through it like the 27 year old, experienced woman that I am is the best thing adulthood has afforded me

I understand that heartbreak is inevitable and a necessary evil

That trust is sometimes broken and people are destined to hurt the ones they love

So I love while I can and I love as hard as I can

And should this love disappear with the evening’s sun

I will have awesome memories, an unforgettable experience, and a chapter in my book of life that can’t be erased

Why?

Because once upon a time there was someone I thought I couldn’t live without….and look at me…..LIVING!

There is no pressure to hold on to this love because of fear that it will leave me heartbroken

Which leaves room to let it claim a space in my life by its own choice and find space to rest gently upon my shoulder….

I can read a book and get completely lost in the words that swirl on the page

Not to create an escape from my life

But because the author has given me an invitation into their world and their mind and who am I to deny such a request?

To truly let someone else’s world completely take hold of me and allow me to get lost for hours and actually lose time is beyond…..words

It can’t be explained

It’s just…… one of those things

…..I still feel like I’m 18

…….Almost 10 years young

…..Like a teenager in my late 20’s

And slowly approaching 30?

I really couldn’t ask for anything better…

-Nique

 

…..Pay Attention

When I sit back and listen

And allow the world to close in on me

I hear a voice in my head telling me to be still…pay attention

And when I listen to that voice I allow my guard to come down and the walls around me shatter

And what I begin to hear is a hesitation of a heart that’s never really sure what it wants

Your heart….playing hide and seek with mine

And then it breaks a little….

Maybe I should apologize for being such a hopeless romantic

For envisioning a love that may be so far out of my reach….

So far beyond my grasp that it becomes clear that it was always an impossible conclusion

Because although I want to love you

Above that, I want you to LET me love you….

More than your dreams can imagine and your mind can wrap itself around

But it’s hard loving a man…..that always has one foot outside the door

Always a step out of my reach…

When I let myself be still and pay attention

I notice that you seem to be looking for more than all that I can give you

More than MY heart has to offer….

And then, that same heart that’s bare and vulnerable and waiting for you, breaks a little bit more…..

There are times where you build me so high….

Where you fill me with love and undeserved expectation and attention

Only to let me down, unexpectedly and without warning, and leave me falling alone..

Feeling unwanted and not needed…..

Without your arms reaching out to catch me…..to reassure me….to love me

And when I finally hit the floor

That once broken heart that your effort and time and careful attentiveness once healed, shatters

Worse than before

Unable to heal….unable to repair itself from this onslaught

And just like the end of every tragedy, I’m left wondering why

You almost had me convinced you were going to stay around

I was almost convinced that I had found someone that’s not afraid to let go…..

-Nique

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