One Word, Beautiful....

…..Pay Attention

When I sit back and listen

And allow the world to close in on me

I hear a voice in my head telling me to be still…pay attention

And when I listen to that voice I allow my guard to come down and the walls around me shatter

And what I begin to hear is a hesitation of a heart that’s never really sure what it wants

Your heart….playing hide and seek with mine

And then it breaks a little….

Maybe I should apologize for being such a hopeless romantic

For envisioning a love that may be so far out of my reach….

So far beyond my grasp that it becomes clear that it was always an impossible conclusion

Because although I want to love you

Above that, I want you to LET me love you….

More than your dreams can imagine and your mind can wrap itself around

But it’s hard loving a man…..that always has one foot outside the door

Always a step out of my reach…

When I let myself be still and pay attention

I notice that you seem to be looking for more than all that I can give you

More than MY heart has to offer….

And then, that same heart that’s bare and vulnerable and waiting for you, breaks a little bit more…..

There are times where you build me so high….

Where you fill me with love and undeserved expectation and attention

Only to let me down, unexpectedly and without warning, and leave me falling alone..

Feeling unwanted and not needed…..

Without your arms reaching out to catch me…..to reassure me….to love me

And when I finally hit the floor

That once broken heart that your effort and time and careful attentiveness once healed, shatters

Worse than before

Unable to heal….unable to repair itself from this onslaught

And just like the end of every tragedy, I’m left wondering why

You almost had me convinced you were going to stay around

I was almost convinced that I had found someone that’s not afraid to let go…..

-Nique

……….

When I give, it does not come with strings. I’m not keeping track of what you owe me. When I give, I choose to do so without ulterior motives. I give because I’m genuine. I give because I know what it’s like to be without. To long for and be ignored. To speak and not be heard. To care for and have nothing returned. When I give it’s because I get it. It’s because I know the value in what I have in my heart and I refuse to let the world stop me from sharing that. But when things start being taken for granted. When you no longer appreciate my sincerity. I won’t switch, I won’t get angry, and I won’t be spiteful. I’ll just get smart and I’ll change your role in my life. Because when I give, I’m all in. But when I’m done, there’s no looking back. ♥

….His Voice

I fell in love with a man with a voice that haunts my dreams

I find a familiarity in it that is beyond myself

A recognition I wasn’t sure I was suppose to be aware of and I can’t quite put my finger on it

But I know that voice

….I’ve known that voice

From somewhere, from another time, from some other place

I heard it the first moment he spoke to me

Over the blare of the music…

Over the chatter of the crowd…

This man whose voice drowned out everything around us and in that one moment it was him and me and his words and my attention

…….my entrapment, if you will

Because from that moment on, I was addicted and mesmerized

By the bass in his voice and the smoothness of his delivery

By the hypnotic way in which he makes his words flow off of his tongue, through his lips and straight into my soul

I fell in love with the way he shapes his words to sound like he’s in love with my mind, like he’s undressing my conscience and making love to my thoughts

I fell in love with a man who makes my heart ache…

…..But his voice

With its wonders and its rhythmically gracious words and sentiments

…makes it ache so beautifully

-Nique

…..Uncertainty

I feel like everything seems to be one step outside of my grasp….

Like I need something to hold on to….

And when I reach out, there’s nothing there to keep me grounded

Even after I allow myself to think that my “something” would be there….

…..there’s nothing…..just me

It’s a terrifying feeling.….

Especially when the familiar is always sitting right on the outskirts like a devil in a satin cloak beckoning me, just waiting for me to repeat past mistakes…

Because it’s comfortable…..

Because it feels safe…..

Because sometimes you just need something …….tangible

….And therein lies the struggle…

It leaves me overwhelmed with the need to create…..

To express all of the emotions bubbling inside of me

So excuse the intensity

And disregard the depth

But this is me….in my entirety

My passion and my soul

My love …..and my heart

They say new love is filled with passion and desperate wanting…

An intense, exciting, consuming love

And they also tell you how to navigate through it to get to a solid ground and to no longer be flying in the clouds

But…

Nothing is out there to show me what to do when the passion doesn’t stop…

The surprises still surprise me and the unknown is still a mystery

The desperate wanting is still scratching and clawing at the seams and the intensity…

Whew…

Makes me ache for you

I can feel it burning and simmering deep in my soul and there is no outlet for the ambers

There’s only you…

My muse, my inspiration

No one can tell me how to handle there being no destination for this happiness

No edges or endings to this love

Just ever-lasting

Never-ending

And…. uncertain

The only certainty is that I want you

……In your entirety

And I want to love you endlessly

And I have to remind myself that you may not feel the same….

…It’s so confusing

-Nique

…….Carpe Diem

I’ve realized in life that you will have moments that catch you by surprise. And I find myself in one of those moments. I used to dream of a happiness and a peace that even time will lie down and be still for. A contentment that will give me goosebumps on my skin and flutters in my heart. And as I lay here on a random morning in March, I listen to the silence and the stillness that surrounds me and I am in awe of my dream being fulfilled. I am appreciative of my blessings. My prayer was answered to an overwhelming degree that its sometimes hard for my little body to contain it. I know that my trials aren’t over and my tests are far from complete… But in this moment in time, while the air is still and the silence calms me, I can smile for no reason. I can hug myself and laugh about nothing at all. My soul is happy and my spirit is content and life is soooo good to me. I’m just…..Happy…These are just rambles so I hope it makes sense. Be blessed people. Enjoy life. And if you ever find yourself in one of these moments… Carpe Diem…..

-Nique

……Lesson In Love

He kissed me….

He made love to me….

He talked to me….

He showed me….

He listened to me….

He told me…

He liked me….

He was patient with me….

He loved me…..

He waited for me….

He taught me

……everything I needed to know and learn about those four letters.

In this life and in that order…

The right way to love

And how to love in return.

I am grateful

I am indebted

And I am ecstatic.

He IS the truth…..

He is MY truth……

Because not only does he speak the words that I need to hear

At the moments that I need to hear them…..

But he personifies the love that he gives

And he is animated and intense in the way that he shows it.

I thought I was determined to have him,

But I am more determined than ever to keep him

Because I let him kiss me

I let him make love to me

I listen when he talks to me

I heard him when he told me

I paid attention when he showed me

I gave him my words and he listened

And when I was difficult, he was patient

And we liked and loved and cared and waited

And now that love is teaching us to love again in all the right ways

It’s time for us to sit back and listen.

Let the lesson begin…….

….Perfect Moment

It’s morning….

I haven’t opened my eyes yet but I feel the ghosts of his fingerprints over my back

I’m tangled in nothing but sheets with the sunrise dominating our room

I feel the hints of a tiny smile begin to form on my lips but my eyes remain closed

He’s following his own pattern as he uses my body as his canvas

I feel the loops and the curves of the letters and pictures he’s creating on my skin

He’s so focused on what he’s doing that he still doesn’t notice the smile on my face

I love these moments….

These rare moments in time where nothing exists but us

And just when I’m about to let him know that I’m awake, he begins to speak

He tells me he loves me

He explains to me how he can’t live without me…that he needs me

He goes so far into his feelings that I’m left speechless, without words

To anyone on the outside looking in, they would probably call him crazy

But I’ll call it what it is…

Honesty

Vulnerability

Heartfelt sentiments that just found its’ voice

I’ll call it loving a man who is not perfect

A man who is just a man

And when I finally open my eyes and turn to face him, I know that all vulnerability will be vacant

I won’t push him to tell me

I won’t even let him know I was awake

I’ll just smile and kiss him as we profess our love the best way we know how….

Because the next time he says the wrong thing or forgets an anniversary, I will remember this morning

And I will know in my heart that this man loves me

Unconditionally

Irrevocably

And as unforgiving as he knows how

Because this morning he showed me his soul

He laid down his heart and gave it to me on a silver platter

And any imperfections, mistakes, or forgetfulness on his part doesn’t even begin to take the place of that

I am loved….deeply and passionately

…..And I know it

………..

I watch my teardrops fall to the surface and I follow their path like it holds the key to my happiness and the answers to all of my questions…like I need its’ end to be the light at the end of my tunnel…

And while I am in a current state of mind to stop them from flowing, lest someone dares to see..…I can’t seem to find the strength to make them stop

Once upon a time, I was an expert at hiding my pain…shielding the hurt and masking it until I was in the solace of my own solitude…..

Lately though…….

It’s becoming an almost impossible task to keep it at bay…..

My spirit is begging to just let this therapy play out and I find myself praying for the strength to allow myself to just FEEL the pain so I can get past it…to FEEL the failure so that I can work on FEELING my own success….

To let all the pain and confusion pour out of me so that I can move on and start a new day….

 But with every passing day, and with every piling disappointment after another I find myself moving closer and closer to just giving up altogether….

Forgoing the therapy that my eyes are trying to offer me as a reprieve and wanting to let myself just drop out of existence……if only for a little while……

I listen to my deep sighs and from a distance, I’m sure if anyone is looking, I look like a woman who has aged 100 years in the less than 30 that I’ve actually been on this Earth….

Sometimes I feel that way…

I feel older than my age and I’m sure that my life and its’ experiences weigh more than my body weight and exceed my height to an enormous degree…

And while I continue to try to see what others see in me, I can’t seem to make it past my own reflection….

The reflection of this….woman

…..this Woman……

It still sounds so foreign to my ears and yet somewhere along the lines and throughout the years, that’s exactly what I became…

A woman……

With a history and a past and successes and failures and childbirth and a child’s death and marriage and divorce and being in love and heartbreak and everything you could possibly think of to fit in between…..

I became her…

This woman who can probably provide an ad-lib to ANY experience you may have ever encountered….

This woman who can no doubt tell you that “I understand” and will mean every single letter in those words because in one way or another I have experienced your pain…I have traveled on your journey….

And the trouble that I find myself in, is that I can relate so much to other people’s troubles, that it undoubtedly forces me to relive my own…

And while I will always seek to comfort others, regardless of my pain or strife…

The fact will always remain….that I experience that pain or strife…

And who will be there to shoulder it for me?

Who will stand to comfort me and to take on my troubles so that I may be free from them?

Who will hear my unspoken request for help?

Who?

And I ask this in my most desperate attempt…..

…………..Who will be there to save me from myself?

-Nique

……Mad

I just want to be mad at you…..

I just want to have one day where I am utterly furious at you for no other reason than the fact that I’m female and I have a right to be upset…

I want to hate the ground you walk on and I want to be able to spout venom from my tongue at the mere mention of you…

But it never fails……

The precise moment I hear your voice or let my guard down and re-read a text, my mouth involuntarily forms the biggest shit-eating grin known to man…

And I go from impossible rage to rainbows and butterflies and smiles and then the sky opens up and the sun is blazing through and everything is right in the world…..

How do you do that?

How can you possess me so fully?

How is it that you can own me so completely?

I want to be angry enough to ignore your calls and never answer your texts…

And what’s even crazier…

Is that I want you to sit around and wonder what’s wrong with me…

I want you to fret over every missed call that I don’t answer

I want you to care that I’m upset and I want you to spend all day trying to figure out what you did wrong and how you can fix it…

 I want to be able to watch you run around doing everything in your power to put even the slightest smile on my face because MY smile is what drives you and MY smile is your rainbows and butterflies and makes your sky open up and the sun shine through and makes everything right in YOUR world…

I want to own you….just as you own me

…..thoroughly, completely, in every way imaginable…

Show me your magic tricks..

Teach me the skill I’m sure every man goes to school for at some point in their life because it appears to be gender-specific

I want to be a jack of that trade

Show me how to become a part of your every being…

Because you have so effortlessly become a part of mine…..

-Nique

……Come Here

I want to ask you to tell me what you’re thinking when you lie and say you’re fine…..

I want to run my fingers through your soul and see the secrets and fears that you try so hard to hide…

Have you seen me lately?

Have you truly looked at the woman I’m turning into?

Truly looked at your woman these days and realized for the hundredth time how lucky you are?

It’s partly your doing……

Your character and your strengths and your weaknesses that aid in my discovery of the best and worst parts of me…

Come here and sit next to me…

Let me show you what your eyes are too blind to see

Let me prove to you what your actions and your hands can do to me

Let me make you feel all the love and neediness and sparks and fireworks that you invoke in me and I want to see your face when we connect so that I can witness every feeling and every emotion play out behind your eyes…

It’s beyond attraction….we’ll take each other to heights unheard of and distances and unknown areas never discovered….

So come here…

Sit with me…

Lay with me…..

Share your most frightening fear, which is you and me, and I’ll agree with you because it’s mine as well and we’ll share a secret smile because we’re two peas in a pod

I’ll tell you that our love for each other and the determination of whether or not we’re meant to be are not mutually exclusive and it’s terrifying and amazing and scary all at once

So Come…

Let’s share a space…

Where the air that you exhale will be the same air that I inhale and our spirits can tangle and wrestle with each other while we look on in rapt attention and wonder to ourselves when they made the decision to become the best of friends….

Let me tell you my secrets and my hopes and dreams and I want you to watch me and look closely at the amazement that is as clear as day on my face because of you listening to the worst parts of me and making the unconscious mental decision to stay with me…..in spite of me….

So…

Come here…

Call me “baby” or simply just say my name and watch me turn from the strong, independent woman that you have come to know to the giggling, blushing high school teenager that you have always seemed to turn me into…with just a simple smile or sweet endearment…with just a word or a simple flick of your tongue on my neck….

So come here…

Be with me….

Hold my hand and take strength as you need it

And let me ask you the question that’s been burning the tip of my tongue……

……….What are you thinking when you lie and say you’re fine?

-Nique

#ConfesstionsOfAWriter…

The worst thing is having the desire to write but being unable to conjure up the words to express yourself. In response to your messages, I apologize for the lack of posts. My blank word document remains lonely and my journal is begging for my attention. But nothing comes out. I write best when I can pour myself onto the pages and get lost in a fantasy. Not when I’m struggling to produce a sentence. So bear with me. Something is brewing, I just don’t know what that is yet…so stay tuned!!

-Nique